A Letter To A Friend

On February 12, 2010, In Religion, By Bruce
This entry is part 2 of 3 in the series Letters and Personal Stuff

This is a repost of a letter I sent to my long time friend Bill Beard, pastor of Lighthouse Memorial Christian Union Church in Millersport/Buckeye Lake, Ohio

Dear Friend,

You got my letter.

I am certain that my letter troubled you and caused you to wonder what in the world was going on with Bruce.

clip_image001You have been my friend since 1983. When I met you for the first time I was a young man pastoring a new Church in Somerset, Ohio. I remember you and your dear wife vividly because you put a 100.00 bill in the offering plate. Up to that point we had never seen a 100.00 bill in the offering plate.

And so our friendship began. You helped us buy our first Church bus. You helped us buy our Church building. In later years you gave my wife and I a generous gift to buy a mobile home. It was old, but we were grateful to have our own place to live in. You were a good friend.

Yet, our common bond was the Christianity we both held dear. I doubt you would have done any of the above for the local Methodist minister, whom we both thought was an apostate.

I baptized you and was privileged to be your pastor on and off over my 11 years in Somerset. You left several times because our doctrinal beliefs conflicted, you being an Arminian and I being a Calvinist.

One day you came to place where you believed God was leading you to abandon your life work, farming, and enter the ministry. I was thrilled for you. I also said to myself, “now _____________can really  see what the ministry is all about!”

So you entered the ministry and you are now a pastor of a thriving fundamentalist Church. I amclip_image002 quite glad you found your place in life and are endeavoring to do what you believe is right. Of course, I would think the same of you if you were still farming.

You have often told me that much of what you know about the ministry I taught you. I suppose, to some degree or another, I must take credit for what you have become. (whether I view it as good or bad)

Yesterday you got into your Lincoln and drove three plus hours to see me. I wish you had called first. I had made up my mind to make up some excuse why I couldn’t see you, but since you came unannounced I had  no other option but to open and the door and warmly welcome you. Just like always…..

I have never wanted to hurt you or cause you to lose your faith. I would rather you not know the truth about me than to hurt you in anyway.

But your visit forced the issue. I had no choice.

Why did you come to my home? I know you came as my friend but it seemed by the time our three hour discussion ended our friendship had died and I was someone you needed to pray for, that I might be saved. After all, in your Arminian theology there can be no question that, a person with beliefs such as mine, has fallen from grace.

Do you know what troubled me the most? You didn’t shake my hand as you left. For 26 years we have shook hands as we came and went. The significance of this is overwhelming. You can no longer give me the right hand of fellowship because we no longer have a common Christian faith.

Over the course of three hours you constantly reminded me of the what I used to preach, what I used to believe. I must tell you forthrightly that, that  Bruce is dead. He no longer exists, but in the memory of a distant past. Whatever good may have been done I am grateful, but I bear the scars and memories of much evil done in the name of Jesus. Whatever my intentions, I must bear responsibility for what I did through my preaching, ministry style, etc.

You seem to think that if I just got back in the ministry everything would be fine. Evidently, I can not make you understand that the ministry is the problem. Even if I had any desire to re-enter the ministry, where would I go? What sect would take someone with such beliefs as mine?  I ask you to come to terms with the fact that I will never be a pastor again. Does not the Bible teach that if a man desires the office of a bishop (pastor) he desires a gooclip_image003d work? I have no desire for such an office. Whatever desire I had died in the rubble of my 25 plus year ministry.

We talked about many things didn’t we? But I wonder if you really heard me?

I told you my view on abortion, Barack Obama, the Bible, and the exclusivity of salvation in Jesus Christ.

You told me that a Christian couldn’t hold such views. According to your worldview that is indeed true. I have stopped using the Christian label. I am content to be a seeker of truth, a man on a quest for answers. I now know I never will have all the answers. I am now content to live in the shadows of ambiguity and the unknown.

What I do know tells me life does not begin at conception, that Barack Obama is a far better President than George Bush , that the Bible is not inerrant or inspired, and that Jesus is not the only way to Heaven. (if there is a Heaven at all)

This does not mean that I deny the historicity of Jesus or that I believe there is no God. I am an agnostic. While I reject the God of my past it remains uncertain that I will reject God altogether. Perhaps…

In recent years you have told me that my incessant reading of books is the foundation of the problems I now face. Yes, I read a lot. Reading is a joy I revel in.  I read quickly and I usually comprehend things quite easily. (though I am finding Science to be a much bigger challenge) Far from being the cause of my demise, books have opened up a world to me that I never knew existed. Reading has allowed me to see life in all its shades and complexities. I can no more stop reading than I can stop eating. The passion for knowledge and truth remain strong in my being. In fact it is stronger now than it ever was in my days at Somerset Baptist Church.

I was also troubled by your suggestion that I not share my beliefs with anyone. You told me my beliefs could cause others to lose their faith! Is the Christian faith so tenuous that one man can cause others to lose their faith. Surely, the Holy Spirit is far more powerful than Bruce. (even if I am Bruce Almighty)

I am aware of the fact that my apostasy has troubled some people. If Bruce can walk away from the faith……….how can any of us stand? I have no answer for this line of thinking. I am but one man……….shall I live in denial of what I believe? Shall I say nothing when I am asked of the hope that lies within me? Christians are implored to share their faith at all times. Are agnostics and atheists not allowed to have the same freedom?

I suspect the time has come that we part as friends. The glue that held us together is gone. We no longer have a common foundation for a mutual relationship. I can accept you as you are,  but I know you can’t do the same for me. I MUST be reclaimed. I must be prayed for. The bloodhound of heaven must be unleashed on my soul.

Knowing all this, it is better for us to part company.  I have many fond memories of the years we spent together. Let’s mutually remember the good times of the past and each continue down the path we have chosen.

Rarer, than a Ivory-billed woodpecker is a friendship that lasts a lifetime. 26 years is a good run.

Thanks for the memories.

Bruce

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Dealing with Family After You Have Left the Faith

On January 25, 2010, In Life, Religion, By Bruce

road_zanesville

Leaving the Fundamentalist/Evangelical Christian faith can be hard.

The first question that a defector often asks is “what am I now?”

An atheist?

An agnostic?

A liberal Christian?

How do I best describe myself?

Not an easy task is it? We live in world where we tend to label most everything. Yet, there is no purity in our labeling Most of us are an eclectic mix of various labels. While I consider myself a progressive, a liberal I have certain political views that don’t quite fit the progressive, liberal viewpoint. (and perhaps there isn’t a homogenous progressive, liberal viewpoint)

My life seems to be always moving. Rarely does the grass grow under my feet. My ideas, values, and worldview are shaped daily by the things I read and experience. I am a work in progress and I suspect that when I draw my last breath I will still be under construction.

I receive a lot of private email from people who are thinking about leaving Fundamentalist/Evangelical Christianity or who have secretly left already but are afraid to publicly declare their defection.

One person I knows goes to a Fundamentalist/Evangelical Christian Church every Sunday with their spouse. The spouse does not know that their husband/wife no longer believes. I can only imagine the travail of soul that one goes through listening to sermons they no longer believe the message and singing songs that speak of a faith that they no longer embrace.

Another person I know owns a business in an area that is dominated by Fundamentalist/Evangelical Christianity. They want to “come out” and declare their independence from Christianity but they know if they do so their business (and livelihood) will be ruined.

I get email from Fundamentalist/Evangelical Christian pastors who no longer believe the Bible is the inerrant, inspired word of God. They have read Bart Ehrman’s books and found them to be persuasive. They don’t know what to do. They consider themselves liberal Christians. They still believe, but they no longer believe like THAT. They fear coming out publicly and declaring their true beliefs. So they rehash old sermons making sure that their new found liberalness doesn’t seep in. They feel like hypocrites. I suspect, they are.

It is not easy to leave the Fundamentalist/Evangelical Christian Church.  It was a long, long, long process for me that took place over 10 years. I gradually moved left to a progressive, liberal brand of Christianity. I found comfort at this spot for a long time, but over time I continued to move left until I finally fell out of the Christian fold into the arms of agnosticism. It remains to be seen whether the mistress of agnosticism will continue to satisfy me.

The biggest challenge a person faces, any time they make a  big change like leaving Fundamentalist/Evangelical Christianity, is what to do about family. Sometimes a husband and wife are on the same page and they turn to a new chapter in life together. Many times though the journey is solitary with the spouse deciding to remain in the Fundamentalist/Evangelical Christian Church.

Then there are the children. The grandchildren. Mom and Dad. Grandparents. Aunts. Uncles. Nieces. Nephews.

Complications.

Lots of complications.

My wife has six Fundamentalist/Evangelical Christian preachers in her extended family. (I made seven in the day) My family? Religious but not practicing, with a few atheists sprinkled here and there.

Family is important.

Sometimes family is all that matters.

So how does a defector from Fundamentalist/Evangelical Christianity deal with family that is still following the path of the chosen?

Some families ignore the defection. “Oh this is just a phase they are going through. They’ll be fine.”

Other families confront defectors. They preach at them . Quote Bible verse to them. Pray for them . Berate them . Judge them

And some families, showing the way of their master, just love the defector. Not in a deceptive love that has the ulterior motive of winning the defector back, but a familial love that transcends religion and politics.  Such families are rare among Fundamentalist/Evangelical Christians. Taught that their brand of truth is THE truth and that evangelism is the duty of EVERY believer they feel compelled to confront the defector.

Over Christmas our family spent time with my wife’s family in Newark Ohio. On Christmas eve the entire family got together at my wife’s parent’s home. 43 people in a cramped space. Six preachers and one agnostic. Lots of kids. Lots of food. Did I mention six preachers and one agnostic?  ;)

I feared that there would be a problem. The family had been talking about my defection for a long time. Of course they never talked to me directly. Always behind my back at family gatherings. I feared that one of the preachers in the family would try and straighten me out. “Bruce how far you going to let this go. My God you let your boys marry Catholics and your wife even wears pants now!” “Now this agnostic stuff.” “You know you can’t lose your salvation but if you keep this up God is going to chastise you.” “Perhaps your MS is God trying to get your attention!”

So I went to the family Christmas gathering with trepidation.

And it almost happened. The patriarch of the family is an uncle who has pastored the same Baptist Church for over forty years. He is a DR. (an honorary doctorate given to him by the school he graduated from) Even in my days of fidelity to the family religion he and I clashed. He was arrogant, pushy, a know-it-all…and so was I.

The uncle had let it be known that he intended to “confront” me. Everyone knew what that meant.

Then a miracle happened. A miracle I could never have expected.

My mother-in-law told him (This being recounted to my sons by a cousin) “I’ll not have any of that in my house. I have lost one daughter and I won’t lose another.”

In a moment’s time my mother-in-law went to the top of my chart.

Her stopping the challenge had nothing to do with religion or my agnosticism.

It was all about a motorcycle accident.

Memorial Day 2005. My wife’s parents are at our home. We were eating, watching a movie.

The phone rang.

The news no one wants to hear.

She’s dead. A car hit us and she is dead,

In a split second a mother lost a daughter and my wife became an only child.

My mother-in-law still grieves the loss of her youngest daughter. She fears losing her oldest daughter.

So she put a stop to what she knew would drive us farther away.

She understood what I wish every defector’s Fundamentalist/Evangelical Christian family would understand.

The family relationship is more important than the tribal religion.

Oh, I am sure she wishes it could go back to the way it was. Bruce and Polly pastoring, going to Church, living for Jesus.

Perhaps she even hopes we may yet return to the fold.

The chances of a return to the fold are slim to none.

What kind of family relationship can be built from the rubble and ashes of the past remains to be seen.

I am hopeful.

Life is too short.

We are dying.

Let’s agree on what we can and forget the rest.

Let’s hold one another’s hand in that final moment and say:

I love you!

(picture shot Summer 2009 Creamery Road near Zanesville,Ohio)

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Why I Retired From The Ministry

On January 1, 2010, In Life, Religion, By Bruce
This entry is part 1 of 3 in the series Letters and Personal Stuff

(repost from 12-15 months ago)

I am often questioned as to why I retired from the pastoral ministry. I started preaching as a teenage boy and I pastored my first Church at age 24. Since then I have pastored Churches in Ohio, Texas and Michigan with my last pastorate being in 2003. I have been married over 30 years and I have spent my entire married life in the ministry.

Acquaintances, family and friends are often miffed as to why I just walked away from the ministry. Why retire, I am often asked. Surely there’s a Church somewhere for you to pastor? Surely you still “want” to pastor? If God called you how can you walk away from his calling?

Good questions and quite frankly I have more questions these days than I do answers. What follows is an attempt by me to shed some light on the “why” question.

Why did I retire from the ministry?

  • I retired because the word retire is a better word than quit. I don’t want to be known as a quitter. I was told my whole life by my peers that God hates quitters. I can still hear the scathing words of Tom Malone and Jack Hyles ringing in my ears as they skin quitters alive in their sermons. So I use the word retire but truth be told I have just plain quit.
  • For health reasons. I have fibromyalgia. I am in constant pain. Last year I was tested for MS and the tests were inconclusive. I have numbness in my face , hands, and legs. My doctor ruefully told me that he is uncertain as to what my actual neurological problem is. I’ll just have to wait to see what “breaks.” I am a type A, perfectionist work-a-holic. I worked myself into a physical collapse thinking all the while that anyone cared how hard I worked. God didn’t and neither did the people I pastored.
  • For family reasons. I sacrificed my family and my marriage for a mistress called the Church. I lived for the Church. I was willing to die for the Church. I worked long hours for lousy pay. I allowed my family and my wife to become an appendage to the work I was doing. They were the default clean-up, tear down crew and did all the jobs no one else wanted to do. Our family was so wrapped up in the Church that we lost our self-identity. I want my children to know me for more than just being a pastor. I want my wife to have a husband who doesn’t always put her second to the Church. Whoever said “you must sacrifice your family for the sake of your calling” is not only wrong but also a destroyer of families. If there is one thing I have learned it is that family comes first.
  • Changing theology. My theology is undergoing a complete and through overhaul. I am not the Fundamentalist Baptist that started out in the ministry so many years ago. I have become progressive in my thinking and I identify with more liberal causes and beliefs. I am not the man I once was but neither am I the man I want to me. As my friend Tammy Schoch told me recently “it is normal in mid-age to revaluate one’s beliefs and to readjust or change your beliefs accordingly.”
  • Thomas Merton and Wendell Berry. These two writers have fundamentally changed how I look at the world and how I view my place in it. I have come to realize that I spent most of my adult life wasting my time with a religion that made no difference in the world I live and a religion I have increasingly come to believe doesn’t do much to prepare us for the next life either.
  • The meaninglessness of vast parts of American Christianity. I have come to realize that most of what we do in Christianity doesn’t amount to much of anything. We seem to spend most of our time and effort making sure we have things to spend most of our time and effort on. We collect money so we can spend the money so we can collect money so we can spend the money…..It seems that much of our work is simply done to keep the Titanic floating . Little progress is made in truly making a difference in the world.
  • Changing understanding of the Bible. I started out the ministry as a King James Only, every word is inerrant believer. I have come to understand that such a belief is not only unsustainable theologically but absolutely irrational. I no longer use the Bible as a science or history textbook and I no longer need to read any particular systematic theology into the text in order to enjoy reading the Bible. I simply enjoy reading the Biblical narrative for its own sake. It now speaks to me in ways I never thought possible.
  • Meeting people of other religious faiths or no faith at all. I was blessed with Catholic daughter-in-laws. They forced my to come to terms with my deep-seated hatred for any religion but my own. As you well know we as Baptists hate Catholics. The big change for me was when I attended a Midnight Christmas mass with my wife and some of our children. What a beautiful and powerful service. It shook my bigoted bones right down to my core.
  • Gandhi. Gandhi showed me the way of peace, of non-violent resistance. Of course according to my Baptist beliefs Gandhi is burning in hell right at this moment. I no longer believe that and I do not believe such vengeful hate by God is consistent with His love and mercy. I have abandoned the classic Baptist understanding of hell and I believe in annihilation. My beliefs are becoming more and more universalist as I go along. I will leave it to God to sort out the “who is in and who is not”.
  • For mental health reasons. I came to the realization that I was was full of fear and regret. I feared God and I regretted wasting my life serving a deity I only served out of fear. No matter how perfect I was, no matter how much I did, I simply couldn’t meet God’s (or men who spoke for God) standard. I despaired for my life. I have since been introduced to a God who loves and has mercy and who does not use fear in his dealings with his children.
  • For my kids and grandkids. I want to know my kids and grandkids. I want to be more than just a religious guru to them. I want to be able to enjoy THIS life with them without everything revolving around the NEXT life. I struggle with the “dad doesn’t go to Church any more”……….but I hope in time I can have a relationship with my kids and grandkids that doesn’t have to revolve around religion. Yes, I still want to talk about God, but I also want to enjoy the day to day things of life and I want to share those things with my kids and grandkids.
  • Guilt. This is the biggest problem I face. Guilt over how I have lived my life, how I wasted my life, and how I hurt my family. I am sure some pious soul is going to tell me “Get over it and move on with life.” I wish I could but I can’t . Until I can come to terms with the past 30 or 40 years I can not move forward from here. I am sure my wife is tired of me living in 1985 or 1994 but I must resolve the issues that plague me before I can move forward. I am making progress in this area and I plan to start on a book in the New Year titled “From Eternity to Here” . Several people I respect greatly have suggested that writing a book might be the cathartic I need to move my life forward.
  • I simply don’t want to be in the ministry any more. I have no desire for it and I do not want to give the requisite time necessary to be a “good” pastor. I believe I still have good teaching skills and I have a sincere desire to be a help to others but I do not want to exercise my gifts in a traditional Church setting. I have wasted enough time already and I don’t want to waste any more.

I could pastor a Church tomorrow if I wanted to. Thousands of Churches are without pastors. Most of them don’t deserve to have another pastor. They have chewed up and spit on the previous 20 pastors and they will do the same to the next one. Quite frankly many Churches just need to die. As I look back at how willing I was to sacrifice so small Churches could have a “full time” pastor I am ashamed of myself. Living on food stamps and my kids wearing hand-me-down clothes all so people could say “we have a pastor and he has kids” The most I ever made in the ministry, counting housing,salary and reimbursements, was 26,000.00. While everyone one else progressed economically my family was supposed to settle for welfare wages and a chicken or two. I never had the Church (any Church) on their own volition offer a raise to me. I had to ask, and most often plead and beg. I saw their cars and houses. I saw their material stores and yet I was just supposed to sing “Oh how I love Jesus, thank you for keeping me poor.”

The most prosperous times of my life came when I was bi-vocational. I managed restaurants, sold insurance, delivered newspapers. In retrospect I should have always been bi-vocational. I should not have allowed the Church to keep me poor. My problem was that I could never do anything half-way. I still can’t. So while I worked a full-time secular job, I also worked the Church job full-time. I often worked 60 or 70 hours a week, rarely taking a day off. Vacations? We only took them if I was preaching a conference somewhere. Dates with my wife? Only if it was a Church outing.

I realize some of this sounds like the grousing of a bitter old man. I shall plead guilty on that charge. I am bitter at times, and as the Dixie Chicks said “I am not ready to make nice”. I fully accept my own culpability in the affairs of my life. I write for the sake of my family and for the sake of my own mental health. I also write as a warning to young pastors who are tempted to take the same path I did.

I will stop writing with the sharing of the biggest breakthrough in my life over the past few months. I spent my life “living for Jesus and Living for Others.” I bought into the mantra of Jesus First, Others Second, and Bruce doesn’t matter.(JOB) I spent far too much time worrying about what others thought of me, of how they viewed my ministry and my family.

My big breakthrough is pretty simple……….I have come to the place where I don’t give a shit what others think about me or what I believe. I don’t give a shit that you are upset that I wrote the word shit. :) I simply don’t care. Things matter to me……….but what someone thinks of me personally or what they think of my beliefs………I don’t care. It has been liberating to be delivered from the judgments of others.

Have you said WOW yet? I heard you! :) Let me paraphrase Thomas Merton. People were upset with Merton because his beliefs were always changing, always in motion. He said he frustrated his critics because just when they thought they had him pinned down on an issue they found out he had already move on to something else.

That’s me………always moving, until the heart stops beating.

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